The Unofficial Rules of the USS Enterprise
by Anime-GuardianAngel
Summary: Join the fun as the crew of the USS Enterprise compile a list of unofficial rules and see what lead to the rules in the first place. Rated T to be safe. Does contain 2 OCs. Rule #1: "Playing 'Womanizer' whenever the Captain enters the bridge gets old quickly(plus he actually likes it)." Rule #10: "Bribing Ensign Chekov for his help in a prank war is no longer allowed."
1. Rules 1-5

**Hey guys this is my first Star Trek fic! So since I don't have time for an official story, I decided try my hand at a "things-characters-aren't-allowed-to-do" story. This will have two OCs in it, who I may or may not eventually write stories for. Feel free to review or PM suggestions for the list, my goal is to get at least 50 rules.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek, just my OCs and this list.**

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**1. Playing "Womanizer" whenever the Captain enters the Bridge gets old quickly(plus he actually likes it).**

Various sounds of annoyance were made when the dreaded song came on again. Even Spock's eyebrow twitched, showing how sick of the song the half-Vulcan was. The only person who didn't mind the song was the target of the failed prank, Captain Kirk himself. For all they knew, it could have been the Captain's idea in the first place. Spock gave one more eyebrow twitch as the song continued before deciding enough was enough(a whole month of "Womanizer" by Brittany Spears would drive a lesser crew insane sooner).

"Lieutenant Uhura," Spock said, looking at the dark skinned woman. "Inform Mr. Scotty he has approximately two hours before someone attempts to end this nonsense by means that will surely harm the ship."

Not only did the music stop within 30 minutes(Scotty doesn't like having his ship threatened), but a new list of unofficial rules was born.

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**2. Never flirt with Lieutenant Commander Amanda Pike.**

Bones looked up from his paperwork to see yet another young male crew member being carried in by his friends. He sighed having a good feeling about what caused his injuries.

"When Lieutenant Commander Pike says that she's not interested, listen to her," McCoy advised the group. "If the Captain can't convince her to move on from her last boyfriend, what makes you think you can."

"Besides," Dr. T'Luminareth(aka Luna) Smith spoke up. "What kind of jerk tries to take advantage of a girl who lost not only her fiancé but all of her people too?"

In order to avoid future injuries to his crew, Jim added another rule to the list(besides, he didn't need the story of his failure in getting a girl to spread more than it already had).

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**3. Yes, Vulcans(and half-Vulcans) have pointy ears. No, you may not touch them.**

"Please?" Jim begged.

"Captain it is most illogical," Spock answered. "No."

"Please?"

"Captain."

"Please?"

"Your behavior is most illogical."

"So? Please?"

"No Captain, you may not touch my ears."

"But they're pointy!"

"Captain by chance are you intoxicated?"

"No! I just wanna touch them!"

"Captain if you continue this childish behavior I will contact Dr. McCoy and inform him that his services are needed."

"But that's lying! Vulcans don't lie."

"It won't be a lie Captain, since I will require his aide in getting you to stop this behavior."

"… Fine, no touching your ears. I wonder if Luna will let me touch her ears."

In the end Bones's service was needed after all. Spock had managed to break both of Jim's wrists. It wasn't until after Luna(blushing the whole time) explained what touching a Vulcan's ears was the human equivalent to did Jim realize the reason behind Spock's violent action. Spock saved him the trouble of adding the new rule to the list.

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**4. "Your Mama" jokes are banned. Especially around Commander Spock.**

Luna felt no sympathy for the three ensigns that had come from sparring with Spock. Anyone idiotic enough to insult mothers around Spock was asking for trouble. McCoy seemed to share her sentiments when he inflicted more pain than necessary when treating their various bruises and broken bones. Luna took the lead in adding a new rule this time, after all, she was the one stuck working with Dr. McCoy who had to treat the idiots who angered Spock in the first place. A grumpy McCoy was not pleasant to deal with.

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**5. Messing with Sulu's plants is almost as bad as trying to touch a Vulcan's ears.**

Jim froze when he heard a crashing noise. Slowly he turned around in horror at what he had done. Laying on the floor in pieces was a plant holder, which just so happened to have had one of Sulu's prized flowers going in it.

"I'm dead," Jim muttered.

"Glad we agree Captain," Sulu said, standing in the only exit with his trusty fencing sword in hand.

By the time Sulu allowed Jim to get treated by Bones, someone had already added another rule to the list. Apparently Scotty had watched the whole thing via security camera with a bucket of popcorn in his lap. Jim swore vengeance against the Chief Engineer.


	2. Rules 6-10

**Thank you for reading guys! Here's the next installment! Before we get started I'll respond to some reviews.**

**Vulcanlover12: I'm glad you liked it. That rule was my favorite to write out.**

**NerdyChicksHaveMoreFun: Well I love your name. Hope you love this set of rules as well!**

**Barker2000: If I knew any good "Yo Mama" jokes, I would have included them. I might go back and expand on that rule though.**

**RedShirtSurvivor: I'm happy these made you happy. Although I'm sorry #5 made you melancholy.**

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**Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek, just my OCs.**

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**6. Dying a fellow crew member's skin green isn't funny. It's offensive to those who naturally have green skin.**

Jim's revenge on Scotty sparked a prank war between the Captain and the Chief Engineer. For a genius, Jim's idea was rather simple but he forgot to take into account not everyone on his crew would be laughing at Scotty's new look.

It all hit the fan when the now dark green skinned Scotty came storming onto the Bridge while Luna happened to be talking to Jim about collecting blood and tissue samples from a few of the local species on the next planet they stopped at. The snickers from a few crew members alerted Jim not only of the success of his prank but as to the reason for the angry Scotsman. Wisely, Luna stepped away from the two men, noting Scotty's new skin color with concern.

"You dyed my skin green!" Scotty exclaimed while pointing a finger at Jim. "This isn't funny!"

"Sure it is Scotty," Jim smirked. "Just like how watching Sulu chasing after me with his sword was funny. Besides, it makes your hair stand out more."

"Scotty's skin is green because of a prank?" Luna finally spoke seeing an opportunity to do so before an argument broke out.

"Yeah," Jim began to explain. "Humans like messing with each other and one method is to turn someone's skin a ridiculous color."

"Having green skin is considered ridiculous?" Luna asked, a small frown forming on her face. Jim realized his mistake as soon as he saw the _light green _skin on the doctor's face.

"Not on Vulcans or Orions! You pull it off beautifully!" Jim quickly attempted to correct his mistake in his wording. "The only half-Vulcan and one-eighth Orion who can!"

"Captain, I'm the only half-Vulcan and one-eighth Orion you have met."

It's unknown who added the rule to the growing list, but the Command Crew didn't let Jim live down how he fumbled with his words in front of a woman. His smooth-talking, irresistible, ladies' man reputation was losing credit quickly thanks to his crew(well Lieutenant Commander Pike and Dr. Smith to be precise).

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**7. Live Tribbles are banned from the USS Enterprise.**

Jim stormed down into Engineering, ready to give Scotty a piece of his mind. However, when he arrived, he realized that it wasn't Scotty's fault for the sudden invasion of Tribbles.

"YOU WORTHLESS FURBALLS ATE MY SANDWICH!" Scotty yelled at the growing pile of Tribbles.

"Scotty who put Tribbles in my quarters?" Jim asked. "Actually who brought Tribbles onto the ship in the first place?"

"I don't know Captain," Scotty scowled. "But when I find out they're gonna pay."

The Great Tribble Round-Up began with casualties on the Tribble side due to one mistakingly biting Amanda's old engagement ring(even Spock knew it was pointless to remind the enraged woman about Starfleet's 'no killing unless in self-defense' policy). Her war cry alone was enough to scare all the Tribbles on the same deck to the other side of the ship. The whole crew managed to contain the Tribbles and put them in boxes to be transported back to their home planet.

No one noticed the pleased smile Luna had while watching Jim and Scotty round up Tribbles. She wrote down the new rule with pleasure, after all this meant no one would be able to copy her little revenge prank. Her Vulcan half might have found it illogical, but her Human and Orion half sure got a kick out of it.

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**8. Beaming someone down/up in only their underwear is forbidden(and potentially mentally scarring).**

Spock, Bones, and Jim were almost done returning the leftover Tribbles after what had been dubbed "The Tribble Terror" by most of the crew. The culprit had yet to confess, and it wasn't likely they would find out who was responsible anytime soon. The only good thing to come out of all it was that the Science and Medical Officers had dead Tribbles to experiment on.

"Okay, this is the last bunch," Uhura informed them as she handed Spock a box full of live Tribbles.

"Beam us down Scotty," Jim commanded. The three men reappeared down on the Tribble's home planet, only something was missing.

"Wow Jim, I never pegged you as a 'rubber ducky boxers' type of guy," Bones snorted.

"SCOTTY!"

When they got back to the Enterprise, Spock made sure to add another rule to the list. He hoped he'd be able to take his captain seriously after that incident.

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**9. Purposefully misinforming people about another species is immature and will lead to disastrous results. Especially if it's about Vulcans.**

Uhura, Amanda, and Luna were walking together toward one of the rec rooms, discussing not only how things were going at their stations but also plans for their next shore leave which was coming up soon. Despite their different positions and ages, the three women had been good friends since the Academy. While Amanda and Luna had known each other longer, an outsider wouldn't be able to tell since the three worked so well together.

Luna yelped when she felt someone touch her ear and jumped away blushing. Uhura and Amanda turned around to see what had happened and saw a confused looking Scotty standing there.

"Scotty what did you do?" Amanda demanded.

"I was told touching a Vulcan's ear was the equivalent of a pat on the back. I was about to congratulate the lass on her research progress," he explained. Of course since Lady Luck wasn't on the Chief Engineer's side, Spock rounded the corner right as Amanda spoke.

"That doesn't make touching her ears alright! Besides what idiot told you that lie?"

"Mr. Scott," Spock caught the group's attention. "May I speak with you privately in the rec room."

"Um, yes sir," Scotty gulped. The two men disappeared into the nearest rec room.

"What is the human equivalent of touching Vulcan ears anyway?" Uhura asked the two.

"Groping private parts," Amanda replied bluntly.

After seeing Spock request an unconscious Scotty be taken to Medbay, Uhura made two mental notes. The first was to add another rule to the list, while the second was to never doubt Spock's protectiveness over them(other crew member's didn't call them "Spock's girls" for nothing).

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**10. Bribing Ensign Chekov for his help in a prank war is no longer allowed.**

After Scotty had regained consciousness long enough to explain it was Ensign Chekov would told him the lie about Vulcan ears, the young Russian genius admitted to being bribed by the Captain. His only punishment was dealing with the guilt that came with being indirectly responsible for two members of the Command Crew being in the Med-Bay(Jim couldn't recall if it was Amanda or Spock who punched him in the face first, all he could remember was a blue science uniform).

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**Remember, if you have any suggestions for the list PM me or leave it in a review! My goal is to have at least 50 rules. I apologize in advance for the weird updating schedule. I update when all 5 rules have explanations finished, so some sets are going to take longer than others.**


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